Sex, Oodles, & Kayak Fishing: A Pro Staff Manifesto
I hate the P-word. Whenever I hear people attempting to measure their kayak-fishing-industry-based units of success, the highly acclaimed title Pro Staff is mentioned most often. While I might not like it, the concept is here to stay because from the kayak angler’s perspective, the title is a business-based relationship that folks work very hard to perpetuate. Being awarded the title is supposed to turn you into a kayak fishing icon.
There are plenty of denotational and even some more loosely-interpreted connotation-based pieces written on the differences between Promotional Pro Staff and Professional Pro Staff; both are Pro in nature and prefix yet still inherently different in practicality. This is not another piece explaining current takes on the lavish-ish title and the slightly less lavish responsibilities that come with it.
This editorial is the opposite. This is an internal reflection of the mindset behind all kayak anglers – those falling on both the Professional, Promotional, and Uncategorized side of the title – through the disturbingly clear lens of the comparison between two female sexual icons: Pamela Anderson and Madonna.
Measuring Immeasurables in Units: Oodles.
So, how do you become a kayak fishing icon?
For the sake of comparison – and to appease my O.C.D background in measuring immeasurables through the dismal science of macroeconomics – let’s pretend that kayak fishing success can be measured in units. These units are called KF Oodles. KF Oodles (KF : Kayak Fishing) – while imaginary in theory – are the unit of measurement each kayak angler receives as they provide for their personal entertainment, the promotion of a product, and the growth of the industry. Yes, it is a complete unit of measurement that lumps both promotional and professional successes into one measurement.
The objective of this game is to get the most KF Oodles and become a Pro Staffer, a kayak fishing icon.
Step back and soak in some perspective by considering the similar example of the race to be the icon of extreme female sexuality, the female sex icon with the most FS Oodles (FS : Female Sexuality).
Weird Comparisons, Perspectives, and a New Goal
Most who toss around the self-induced Pro Staff title are not even close to representing kayak fishing in any important fashion because of one reason: their goal is to get the KF Oodles and be the icon.
Pro Staffers chasing KF Oodles are the Madonna of the similar FS Oodle race. Both are unsuccessful in becoming icons of their respective industries because they are desperate to be icons. Just as Madonna was never the single most popular icon of female sexuality because her goal was to look like a sexual icon, most aspiring Pro Staffers will never be kayak fishing icons because their goal is to look like professional anglers. It’s simple; to be viewed as an icon you can’t collect enough Oodles – KF or FS – if your goal is to simply come off as an icon.
Are you with me? Do you agree that Madonna was never the single most popular icon of female sexuality because her goal was to look like a sexual icon? She tried so hard to seem like a sexual icon that she forgot about the most important part: sex! Well, here comes Pamela Anderson and all she wants is sex! Pamela’s goal isn’t to come off as a sexual icon; her goal is to have sex! That’s why – possibly without intending to become the icon – she became the freakin’ icon.
Kayak anglers are no different. A kayak angler concerned with looking like a Pro Staffer will never be a kayak fishing icon. They will never have the most KF Oodles because their only goal is to look like they have enough KF Oodles instead of enjoying going out and getting the damn oodles.
We need a kayak angler who wants to kayak fish! Without regard to who is watching, what cameras are on, who knows about it, where they are, or how they do – wait…were talking about the kayak fishing icon not Pam’s sex-escapades, right? Let me start over. The striking similarities threw me off.
We need a kayak angler who wants to kayak fish! Without regard to who is watching, what cameras are on, who knows about it, where they are, or how they do, all they want is kayak fishing. All they do is kayak fish. All they ever think about is kayak fishing! There is no regard for what others think or how they can come off as a perceived icon; they just want to get it done.
Credit where credit is due: The Madonna/Pam comparison is not my brainchild. That comparison was kidnapped and then bastardized into the kayak fishing industry from Chuck Klosterman in his book that I highly recommend reading Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.